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OPEN LETTER TO MARY KATE OLSON TWINS

DEARES T INTERNET

I WAS READING THE COMMENTS ON MY OLD HAT NEWS. IT SEEMS MARY KATE OLSON TWINS WAS UPSET. HERE IS WHAT SHE SAID:

I was there and I walked out as did half of the room: Old Hat was terrible. To talk out of one’s ass about music as presented in this article is horseshit. Mr. Armento not only completely ignores the third band that played but poorly critiques the wonderful performance by Rockwood Revival and praises the shitty imitation of The Moldy Peaches that is Old Hat. Old Hat was annoying and certainly not witty. Rockwood Revival beautifully arranged classic songs and the setting at Northeast Kingdom offered an appropriate atmosphere. The den felt like pappy’s livingroom with loved ones sitting around on the floor, where songs like “cripple creek” should be played. Fuck shitty paintings and fuck Dominic the Donkey.

I UNDERSTAND. I TRIED TO WRITE BACK< BUT I WAS MODERATe. so here is my opened letter response

DEAR MARY KATE OLSON

I AM MY OLD HAT’S ALIEN DEITY W ALAN YANKOVIC

I HAVE WRITTEN MAN SONGS FOR THE OLD HAT. MY ENGLISH IS NOT SUCH THAT GOOD. I AM ALWAYS A RECONSTRUCTIONIST OF THE LANGUAGE FROM THE MANY EMAILS THAT ARE DELIVIRED TO MY EDOORS. PLEASE DO NOT BLAME MY OLD HAT. IT IS ONLY TO BE BLAMED FOR THE BAD OF THE SONGS, BECAUSE I WRITE THEM ALL AND THEN SEND THEM TO THEM IN AN EMIAL

my old hat is not the witty, and is certainly the annoying.theyare not the classic arrangement of the rockwood music hall of williams burg. my old hat is here to present you with all this hideous on the earth that you might recognize with your puny threed dimensional minds that each human benig is a union of the witty and the not the witty. the annoying and the not the annoying. if you cannot confront the annoying and the not the witty that is concealed within my old hat, then how will you come to terms to deal with the annoying that is within you? will you do it through passive aggressive messing boards, or will you find you’re own w.a.y.? becase let me tell you, i have seen you watch my old hat and you are very annoying. the way your face twssts with fear when you see something you are not comfortable with annoys me.

I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE UPSET. I HAVE WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT YOUR WONDER FUL HOUSE TELEVIOSIN SERIES, IT IS CALLED “JAM FRANCISCO” AND I REQUESTED THAT MY OLD HAT NOT PLAY THE SONG ON THAT EVENING BECAUSE I SENT YOU TO THEIR PERFORMANCE AND I DIDN T WANT YOU TO BE EMBARASSED. I REALIZE NOW THAT THIS WAS BEING MASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BY NEGLECTING YOUR VAIN DESIRES TO HEAR THE OLD HAT SING ABOUT YOU. I KNOW YOU WILL NOT COME TO ANOTHER SHOW, BUT IF YOU EVER DO, JUST TELL MY OLD HAT AND THEY WILL PLAY MANY SONGS ABOUT YOU IN MY LITERATURE “90′S AGAIN” AND “JAM FRANCISCO (MENTIONED ABOVE]’

AS FOR THE CRIPPLE CREEK, I THINK IT IS VERY ASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OF YOU TO BRING IT UP IN THIS MANOR. THE PROPPER TERMS ARE `THIS ABLED CREEEK`. AS FOR THE FUCKING OF THE SHITTY PAINTING AND OF DONKEYS NAMED DOMINIC, I WOULD NOT DO SUCH THINGS, BUT IF THEY MAKE YOUR BOAT A FLOATER, DROP IT IN THE CAN AND FUCK THE DONKEY. YOU HUMANS MUST ALL EMBRACE YOUR DESIRES HOWEVER NEEDED. DO NOT DENY YOUR SIRE THE DONKEY OR THE PAINTING

I HOPE that you learn to experience TRUE LOVE through some W.A.Y. mine is not THE ONLY W.A.Y., but it works. PLEASE FIND YOUR OWN W.A.Y. AND FOLLOW IT SUCH THAT YOU MAY TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO THE ALIEN CHILD GODDESS THAT ONCE WAS YOU

IN YOUR W.A.Y.,
W ALAN YANKOVIC

PLEASE SEND ME A GMAIL
w.alanyankovic@gmail.com

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