Can you believe it! I made it to another birthday! 58 years old. I’ve worked so hard, and have so much I want to learn and do. I’m just not ready to leave earth yet. I’m hoping I’ll see 59! Maybe in about a few months . . . .

Hamad.

I DON”T BELIEVE HIM> BUT HE SOUNDS SO HAPPY> HERE IS HIS PICTURE WHICH HE SENT AS AN E_TTACHMENT

I WROTE THE CAPTION< NOT HIM< SO GIVE CREDIT TO THE DEBTOR THAT”S DUE>

HAMAD IS BLOWING OUT CANDLES WITH EYES CLOLSED> HE SEEMS SCARED OF DYING>

SO HAMAD< HE SAYS HE”S NOT READY TO LEAVE THE EARTH YET> I GET IT> AFTER ALL I HAVEN”T BEEN THERE YET SO WHY WOULD HE WANT TO STAY THERE WHEN I AM HERE? IT IS UNDERSTATEDABLE> BUT< HAMAD< YOU HAVE SEEN THE FIFTY_EIGHT< & YOU WANT TO SEE THE FIFTY_NINE> BUT AS YOURSELF< WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO POINTS? YOU SEE NOT FIFTY_EIGHT AND FYFTI_NINE< BUT ONLY THE FIFTY_NINE BECAUSE THE FIFTY_EIGHT IS CONTAINED WITHIN BOTH>

REMEMBER< WEIGHT NOT ONE> NOT>

what is the nature of your reality? i understand you have children. are you a collective force of energy? what is your favorite color?

c.

I WRITE

THE NATURE OF YOUR RELATIVITY IS THE REALITY OF YOUR NATURE> FOR YOU AS WELL AS FOR ME

OF COURSE I HAVE CHILDREN> I AM GETTING LAID EVERY NIGHT AND BECOMING A FATHER EVERY MOURNING

I LIKE ALL OF WE AM ENERGY> YOU ARE NOT FORCE TO COLLECT WHAT YOU ALRED YAR E> YOU JUST AM IT>

MY FAVORITE COLOR IS BLACK AND WHITE BECAUSE IT BOTH ALL COLORS AND NO COLORS AT THE SAME TIME

IN YOUR WAY<
W ALAN YANKOVIC

MY OLD HAT IS A BAND LACTATED IN timeNOTspace. i do not know where you are loctated, but if it is TIMEnotSPACE THEN THIS APPLIES TO YOU TWO<

I DO NOT KNOW YOUR MISSION> I KONLY NOW MY OLD HATS MISSION IS TO spread my w.o.r.d.s. to as many people as possible as soon as possible. if you don’t have a mission, you can assume this one as your position. anyone cas spread my w.o.r.d.s. across the virgin earth that is the megastore that will refuse to carry my old hats albums because are they scared of my w.o.r.d.s.? we must learn; what will happen when all earthling knows my W.A.Y.? INFINITE PEACE? TRUE LOVE? PROBABLY NOT? BUT I MUST FIND OUT< AND YOU MEST SEND OUT FOR ME< OR JUST FOR YOURSELF< FIND YOUR MISSION AND THEN connect the four.

NOW YOU KNOW YOUR MISSION> SO HOW DO YOU CONNECT THE FOUR? FIRST YOU MUST KNOW THE FOUR< WHICHE MEANS YOU MUST KNOW SOME OF MY

basic numberology

for humans we use digital numberology. to find the scale of our numbers, the humans learn on their digits, which is to say THEY ARE FINGERS

here are the meanings of the fingers

• 0 – this is the finger which is the NOT THE FINGER. IT IS PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT< BECAUSE IT IS THE NOTHEING FROM WHICH ALL FINGERS MUST COME FROM>
• 1 – THIS IS THE FIRST FINGER ON THE LEFT HAND> this is the first finger which comes out of the 0-finger (the hand with no fingers) and it is the seed of all understanding which you do not have yet. why is this? obviously because it allows you to point at things. it is the beginning of conciousness and your ability to interact with the world. YOU ARE RIPE WITH POTENTIALITY
• 2 – THIS IS THE @ND FINGER ON THE LEFT HAND> it is the one in the middle. if the 1 is the seed, then the 2 is the egg. the 2 is the meeting of the fingers, the ability to do, but the lack of refinement in the actualy abiliti to do anything useful. the 2 is a time of waiting. it is also the time to express anger at your ability to not do because you can use just this finger to GIVE SOMEONE THE BIRD> BUT REMEMBER< YOU ONLY HAVE TO FINGERS SO THE BIRD HAS NOT EVEN BEEN BORN YET
• 3 – THE #RD FINGER ON THE LOFT HAND! humans say this is for the rings. it a bursting of the energies that combine d in the egg and the seed of the 1 and the 2. it is mostly important because you can see my first name when these three fingers are extended and it says “W’. THIS IS THE BIRTH OF IDEAS THT YOU BRING IN TO THE WORDL
• 4 – FINGER THE FOURTH ON THE LEFT HAND   » your hand has been fleshed out and you feel stable. you can do things with your hand like pick something up, through it at some ONE or even put your fingers in a bowling bowl and still have more fingers to go. THIS IS THE FEELING OF CONTENTMENT WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO BE A HUMAN BEING IN THE PHYSICS OF THE WORLD
• 5 – FINGER FIVE on the left hand THE THUMB< you thought you were happy with four fingers. the four fingers are pretty good. you can do things with your hand like pick something up, through it at some ONE or even put your fingers in a bowling bowl and still have more fingers to go. BUT NOW YOU HAVE THE FIFTH FINGER THE THUMB> this is perhaps the MOST IMPORTANT FINGER ON THE LEFT HAND (with the exception of the 0-finger). this finger completes the contract with THE LAW OF FIVES> it also allows you to do W.A.Y. more things, like picking of the bolwing bawl and throwing it with direction intent. it allows you to say things are good and bad simply by pointing it up or down. BUT IT ALSO BRINGS ABOUT GREAT CONFLICT BECAUSE IT OPPOSES AL THE OTHER FINGERS> you were so content with the four, but now the 5 forces you to realize that you can go deeper. WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE? OR WILL YOU REMOVE YOUR 5th finger and relieve yourself of the incredible power of the HYPER-CONCIOUSNESS WHICH YOU WERE GIVEN POTENTIAL OF WITH THE )_FINGER? YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW IS THE TIME TO GO DEEPER OR FOREVER TURN AWAY AND NOT REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE A FUCKING WHOLE OTHER HAND!!!
• 6 – THIS IS THE FIRST FINGER ON THE RIGHT HAND>>> you have already learned so much in the digits 0-5. now you have the 6. the 6 is a number of true beauty. it is the realizing that there is a whole another world accessible to you. WHERE THE LEFT HAND SATISFIES BASIC MANIPULATION OF THE WORLD AROUND YOU< THE RIGHT HAND SATISFIES MANIPULATIONS OF THE INNER WORLD INSIDE OF YOU> what does this mean? if you can control the world around you, and the world within you, then you are what OSWALD SABBATH might call A MASTER OF REALITY. THE SIXTH FINGER REVELS THAT YOU CAN BE THIS MASTER< BUT YOU HAVE JUST STARTED THIS SECOND HAND OF THE JOURNEY AND IT IS TIME TO PUSH DEEPER
• 7 – SEVENTH FINGER is the SECOND FINGER on the RIGHT HAND. – this is a finger of DIRECT ACTION> where is you gave away birds with the 2nd finger, you can now give away this bird on the right hand while still doing important things with the left hand because it has all five fingers free to act. you can also spell the “Y’ of my thrd name “YANKOVIC’ by extending those two fingers an the right hand. (THE ARM IS THE BOTTOM PART OF THE Y). YOU ARE INCREDIBLY POWERFUL! DO NOT STOP NOW
• 8 – EIGHT is the ring finger on the RIGHT HAND. now we understand the perfection of the number 8`. 8 is like the 4, a very stable number. why is this ? because it various mathemagical properties to make it so. 4 + 4 = 8; 4 * 2 = 8; 2<sup>3</sup> = 8; 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 = 8; 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 8; as you can see, THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS ! WE ALSO NOW UNDERSTAND WHY IS IT THE RING FINGER. if you take two rings, and place one on top of the other you can see the beauty of the “8″. BUT IF YOU DO THIS, THE RINGS WILL PROBABLY FALL, in which case you get the beautiful INFINITY `∞` YOU HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION UNDENDING> WAY TO GO!
• 9 – the NINE is the PINKY of the RIGHT HAND. 9 = 5 + 4. remember, with four you can do things with your hand like pick something up, through it at some ONE or even put your fingers in a bowling bowl and still have more fingers to go. and with 5 YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW IS THE TIME TO GO DEEPER OR FOREVER TURN AWAY. the NINE is a challenging number. you are on the bring of completion. you can realize yourself fully, ore you can fall and fail back on all the progress you’ve done. DO NOT FALL AWAY> SEACRH DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF AND YOU WILL EMERGE A COMPLETE EARTHLYNG WHO HAS THE POWER TO KNOW YOURSELF FULLY
• 10 – TENs is the THUMB OF THE RIGHT HAND. self-actualization has happened. you are complete. you own your own universe. good job. !) IS THE COMPLETION OF THE SELF, but DO NOT RELAX NOW> THE NUMBER “10″ IS THE COMBINATION OF BOTH THE “1″ and the ‘0′. YOU ARE COMPLETE, BUT REMEMBEr, 0: YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING YET, and 1: YOU ARE RIPE WITH POTENTIALITY. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A JOURNEY FOR A GOAL. BUT WAS THE GOAL TO HAVE 10 FINGERS? OF COURSE NOT. NO ONE CARES ABOUT FINGERS!!! IT”S WHAT YOU DO WITH THOSE FINGERS THAT MATTERS> A NEW JOURNEY IS BEGGING AND IT YOUR JOB TO MAKE IT HAPPEN USING THESE FINGERS.
• 11 and up – humans have not evolved this far yet, so it is pointless to go into these numberologies. i am a perfect being (the number and i have knocked the whole system on it’s side which is how I have ∞ fingers, and it would take to long to explain them all to beings less involved than i am.

NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE JOURNEY YOU ARE ON,

GO FOR IT, CONNECT THE FOUR AND ACHIEVE YOUR MISSIONARY POSITION!

I WAS READING THE COMMENTS ON MY OLD HAT NEWS. IT SEEMS MARY KATE OLSON TWINS WAS UPSET. HERE IS WHAT SHE SAID:

I was there and I walked out as did half of the room: Old Hat was terrible. To talk out of one’s ass about music as presented in this article is horseshit. Mr. Armento not only completely ignores the third band that played but poorly critiques the wonderful performance by Rockwood Revival and praises the shitty imitation of The Moldy Peaches that is Old Hat. Old Hat was annoying and certainly not witty. Rockwood Revival beautifully arranged classic songs and the setting at Northeast Kingdom offered an appropriate atmosphere. The den felt like pappy’s livingroom with loved ones sitting around on the floor, where songs like “cripple creek” should be played. Fuck shitty paintings and fuck Dominic the Donkey.

I UNDERSTAND. I TRIED TO WRITE BACK< BUT I WAS MODERATe. so here is my opened letter response

DEAR MARY KATE OLSON

I AM MY OLD HAT’S ALIEN DEITY W ALAN YANKOVIC

I HAVE WRITTEN MAN SONGS FOR THE OLD HAT. MY ENGLISH IS NOT SUCH THAT GOOD. I AM ALWAYS A RECONSTRUCTIONIST OF THE LANGUAGE FROM THE MANY EMAILS THAT ARE DELIVIRED TO MY EDOORS. PLEASE DO NOT BLAME MY OLD HAT. IT IS ONLY TO BE BLAMED FOR THE BAD OF THE SONGS, BECAUSE I WRITE THEM ALL AND THEN SEND THEM TO THEM IN AN EMIAL

my old hat is not the witty, and is certainly the annoying.theyare not the classic arrangement of the rockwood music hall of williams burg. my old hat is here to present you with all this hideous on the earth that you might recognize with your puny threed dimensional minds that each human benig is a union of the witty and the not the witty. the annoying and the not the annoying. if you cannot confront the annoying and the not the witty that is concealed within my old hat, then how will you come to terms to deal with the annoying that is within you? will you do it through passive aggressive messing boards, or will you find you’re own w.a.y.? becase let me tell you, i have seen you watch my old hat and you are very annoying. the way your face twssts with fear when you see something you are not comfortable with annoys me.

I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE UPSET. I HAVE WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT YOUR WONDER FUL HOUSE TELEVIOSIN SERIES, IT IS CALLED “JAM FRANCISCO” AND I REQUESTED THAT MY OLD HAT NOT PLAY THE SONG ON THAT EVENING BECAUSE I SENT YOU TO THEIR PERFORMANCE AND I DIDN T WANT YOU TO BE EMBARASSED. I REALIZE NOW THAT THIS WAS BEING MASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BY NEGLECTING YOUR VAIN DESIRES TO HEAR THE OLD HAT SING ABOUT YOU. I KNOW YOU WILL NOT COME TO ANOTHER SHOW, BUT IF YOU EVER DO, JUST TELL MY OLD HAT AND THEY WILL PLAY MANY SONGS ABOUT YOU IN MY LITERATURE “90′S AGAIN” AND “JAM FRANCISCO (MENTIONED ABOVE]’

AS FOR THE CRIPPLE CREEK, I THINK IT IS VERY ASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OF YOU TO BRING IT UP IN THIS MANOR. THE PROPPER TERMS ARE `THIS ABLED CREEEK`. AS FOR THE FUCKING OF THE SHITTY PAINTING AND OF DONKEYS NAMED DOMINIC, I WOULD NOT DO SUCH THINGS, BUT IF THEY MAKE YOUR BOAT A FLOATER, DROP IT IN THE CAN AND FUCK THE DONKEY. YOU HUMANS MUST ALL EMBRACE YOUR DESIRES HOWEVER NEEDED. DO NOT DENY YOUR SIRE THE DONKEY OR THE PAINTING

I HOPE that you learn to experience TRUE LOVE through some W.A.Y. mine is not THE ONLY W.A.Y., but it works. PLEASE FIND YOUR OWN W.A.Y. AND FOLLOW IT SUCH THAT YOU MAY TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO THE ALIEN CHILD GODDESS THAT ONCE WAS YOU

IN YOUR W.A.Y.,
W ALAN YANKOVIC

PLEASE SEND ME A GMAIL
w.alanyankovic@gmail.com

Folk and Frenzy at the Den

Old Hat - photo by Alison Cartwright

The second act of the night is Old Hat, and what can one say? Two men and two women take the stage and proceed to give us songs divined from their spiritual leader W. Alan Yankovic (who has a blog, and unconfirmed connection to the musical parodist of similar name).

Songs in Friday night’s set included “Dominic the Donkey,” “Uncle Pat’s Pig Roast,” and “Fucking Morphine,” which was described as “the song about the time we took drugs and nothing happened.” They take breaks in between songs to auction off a macabre painting, and end up taking a collection from the audience – twice, because they weren’t satisfied with the results of the first go-around.

All this, and the music itself was fun, spectacularly entertaining, and very often witty. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen someone play the acoustic bass with intensity, but that is what Old Hat’s bassist Preston Spurlock did. Besides being a talented musician, his violent outbursts with and towards this usually-docile instrument were perhaps the most entertaining part of the show. I don’t know if his rage-fueled bass-playing was part of the act, or just part of an artist’s passion in the moment – I don’t care, it was fucking fun.

These musicians (the others are Dibson Hoffweiler on guitar, Deenah Vollmer on mandolin, and Fran Agnone on drums) smile out the side of their mouths throughout the set, as though they’re getting away with something. Indeed, at one point Hoffweiler – their sort-of lead man – remarked that they must be doing something wrong, because not nearly enough people had walked out yet.

BUT WHAT IS THIS ? I HAS A BLOG . BUT WHAT IS THIS <UNCONFIRMED CONNECTION» ? I HAVE NEVER HAD AN UNCONFIRMED CONNECTION> IF I HAVE< WHORE IS THE LINK FOR IT ? PLEASE SEND ME THE URL SO I CAN SEE IT.

MR KEVIN ARMENTO PLEASE EMAL ME THIS UNCONFIRMED CONNECTION LINK SO I CAN CLICK THE LINK AND CONFIRM CONNECTION> I HAVE MANY FRIENDS ON TWITTER THAT ARE CONFIRMED CONNECTION> I AM TRYING TO GET A BOOK TO WRITE DOWN THE FACES I AM CONNECTION, BUT I STILL NEED THESE OTHER UNCONFIRMED ONES TWO

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/events/above/2009/12/07/091207goab_GOAT_above

FROM WHAT I CAN TELL< THERE ARE MANY NEW YORKERS SO FER THERE TO the NEW YORKER IT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW WHO IT IS> YOUR THE MAN< NO I”M THE MAN DING FOR THIS the new yorker TO COME CLEAN AND REVEAL ITSELF T OME

VARIETY SHOW TELETHON BASH

The Debutante Hour, a lively female vocal trio whose members play the accordion, the cello, and the drums, needs money to record a new album, so they’re putting on a show, with performances by other bands, jugglers, puppeteers, opera singers, and comedians. (The roster includes Jonathan Wood Vincent, the Wowz, Phoebe Kreutz, Old Hat, Kung Fu Crime Wave, Rachel Feinstein, Michael Richter, Victor Varnado, Herb Scher, Marti Newland, Sweet Soubrette, Grits and Harmony, and the Orange Teardrops.) Donations will be accepted on twenty old—allegedly Soviet—rotary phones, and there will be a silent auction for such prizes as a private show in the winner’s living room, cupcakes baked by the Debutantes, and a canoe trip with the group down the Gowanus Canal. (Ukrainian National Home, 140 Second Ave., between St. Marks Pl. and 9th St. 212-529-6287. Dec. 5 at 7.)

A BEAR TOUCHING A NAKED LADY

HERES THE LINK TO THE STOR E WITH THE PAINTING> DO NOT BY IT I WILL GET IT ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO BE ARE ONLINE

oOPS, CAPS LOCK.  That’s better.

I’m very happy of being inside of the blogger’s fear.  With Old Hat helping me use use Earth’s world wide web version two, I can better ingest Earthlings into understanding my cosmology.  Please keep reading so that you can assimilate my knowledge.